Sweet Girl

orig. pub. 24.3.15
People don’t like me but the good thing is that I don’t like them back, too.

Illustration by Stefhy
There were moments in life when I woke up to pretend like there’s no such sweet person as I am. Sugar-coated, always smiling, always willing to bow so down to people that I’d become a few inches shorter inside my personality and so sweet that people can eat me. Letting people eat my sugar-coated head and hands and dipping my skin in chocolate syrup and then serving my whole existence to some people I should be calling jerks. And that all was for one reason: I wanted to beloved and called sweet or any other warm nicknames.

This all started when I came out as a girl who was afraid of thunderstorms and groaning clouds; I was no more than 7 at the time. While being twin to a sister who was brave and the hero of the family and who had nicknames like “SON” or “WARRIOR” or “MY LITTLE HERO,” I needed to find a quality. So, I became sweet. I became the girl who’d listen to everyone even I didn’t want to, a girl who’d do stupid silly things to earn little love, make up stories and tell people what they would want to listen. My life goals included someone telling my mother that this one of her daughters is so sweet. Can we take her home? I became the person I didn’t like inside.

It has been years that I’ve left my old self behind me. It wasn’t a quick magical revolution that my fairy godmother gifted me. It costed me a few heartbreaks to make that final decision of not being sweet anymore, I just wanted to be me and whoever I really was.

And when I set that “sweet” girl who was trapped in my body free, I think I was labelled as a jerk by everyone who “loved” me once for all the services I had done for them. I stopped listening to whatever people had to say if it wasn’t worth listening to, I stopped being playing cards in others’ hands, I simply stopped giving any damns about anyone who wasn’t worth my time and I found a new me, who was my new super hero.

There are people who don’t like me, I’m totally okay with that because the good thing is that I don’t like them either. I don’t have to worry about people liking me or not liking me, it’s their choice and there is a 0% chance it’ll effect my life. Whenever I think of all these years when I was weak, I don’t blame myself and everything that I did at all . I needed an excuse to live and grow with love somehow. I don’t regret it, I just think I could’ve done better than that if I knew myself better.

There’s this big thing I’ve learned in my life; it’s that you can’t please everyone and you shouldn’t even try. Even sometimes you can’t please yourself, there’s always this tiny part of yours who won’t be all great and all good but that doesn’t mean you don’t need it. You always need yourself whole, with your qualities and the I-have-no-qualities-and-nobody-loves-me part. We all grow up making the worst mistakes and surviving the bad storms but that’s how the growing up thing works. It teaches you a lot, it takes away things you like and people you love, maybe as a tax of growing up.

I wonder how nature makes plans for us. But the good thing is that you’re the best version of yourself right now and I hope we all grow much better than we already are.

Dazzled Mag: a place for girls to share art, writing, thoughts. I am a strong equal right supporter and feminist.